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Barbuce Vol. I

Homepage About Us Barbuce Vol. I How to be Funny Why Music Sucks, and How It is Your Fault My Final Essay for Personal Fitness The Chronicles of Gloucester '06 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Addiction Study Top Ten Complaints About Sudbury/LSRH My Big Long List of People Who Piss Me Off My Open Letter to the LS Administration Road Trip Journal:July 10th Road Trip Journal: July 11th Road Trip Journal: July 12

Unedited, Unfiltered, Un-Something

The  following is an article that was written by Tim Dingman, Nick Roopenian, and myself.  It was published in The Forum, my schools bi-monthly paper.  He is the unedited verson.  Bon Apetite.  That's french for Suck It. 
 
 
Stone Hearth Pizza: The Fourth Reich? 
   The Back Story?
Anne approached me one night at what has dubbed ‘Risky Business Party ‘06’.  She said and I quote “Do you wanna do an article for the Forum?”  I took a mental memo to pimp slap Anne later and responded that I did.  Anne told me to pick two people to write the article with.  I called upon Tim D and NPR to help me on this trip into abject horror.
           
Stone-Hearthin' It!
We decided to review the new edition to Shaw’s Plaza, Stone Hearth Pizza.  Would Stone Hearth prove to be stone-gasmic or would it prove to a waste of our precious time and even more precious money?  The chic doors of red wood (or was it glass and aluminum?  We will never know because we will never go back to that craphole) loomed before us.  The pungent smell of smugness, middle upper class suburban culture and faux Italian décor wafted over us.  I asked the wench for a table for three and we were seated promptly.  I think the initial service was so good because we were the only people in the restaurant.  That may have been some foreshadowing for the buckets of owl pellets we were about to ingest.  Although I’m sure they needed the business, they were not too keen on asking us what we wanted to eat or drink.  We didn’t bother look over the menus because we knew the score.  The usual dishes would be available.  We were sure of it.  Tim started of the ordering process.  “May I have the cinnastix please?”
“We don’t serve cinnastix.  You’re thinking of Domino’s.”
“Well, it’s Two-Times-Tuesday, right?”
“Sir, again, that’s Domino’s and second, it is Monday.”
“We’re going to need a few more minutes here.”
After this disturbing revelation that Stone Hearth Pizza was a offshoot of Domino’s, we tentatively opened our menus and gazed, dumfounded.  They don’t have any subs, hoagies, grinders, or foot long heroes.  We all ordered pizzas.  Nick ordered a ‘The Classic”, Tim ordered “The Cheeseburger”, and I ordered “The Personalized Pizza” which I later renamed “The Book of Souls”.  We waited patiently for our trio of pizzas for around 20 minutes.  Meanwhile, our drinks came and we sipped them enthusiastically.  We were brimming with non-existent anticipation.  The pizzas arrived and we dug like diggers digging in a dig orgy.  Tim’s pizza suffered a wardrobe malfunction when he lifted a slice of his pizza off the plate and all the cheese completely detached from the pizza and landed back on the plate.  Nick said his pizza was like quote, a slice of heaven, end quote.  Mine, however, was like a horrible practical joke made by the Pizza Gods.  The onions and bacon were anything but fresh and the whole pizza had a hint of cardboard.  It was obvious the chef was missing the key ingredient in any pizza; love.  All in all we deemed the meal, edible, no one had vomited or gag themselves as we sometimes did.  Then the check came, this house of hell fire and brimstone had charged us an arm and the proverbial “nut” to eat at yon restaurant.  We laughed in her face, and asked her if she had been sniffing random cleansing objects from the kitchen sink.  We wondered how, in God’s name, they dared charge us 45 American dollars, or 723,172.50 Vietnamese Dongs, for our pizzas not worthy of Saved by the Bell’s Screech Powers.  When she said there had been no mistake in our billing, we stopped laughing immediately.  After calling our waitress a wench many times, we paid our bill and stormed out.  Although, not before stealing the silverware and plates to make the money we just blew on the crap pizza back.  If anyone wants a genuine Stone Hearth Pizza Commemorative Plate, let us know.  Buy one now because Stone Hearth won’t be in business long.  Not if we have anything to do about it, and yes, this is a written threat.
Final Thoughts
           
            Basically, do not waste your money here.  The restaurant staff was inattentive and over sensitive when called ‘wenches’.  The pizza itself was a steaming pile of mediocrity.  Save yourself some cash and go to Sud P’s, or if you need it delivered call Classic Pizza, Domino’s, or Papa Gino’s.  To think of it, this restaurant has no market and thankfully will soon be a dark, festering, moldy memory in the winds of time that is The Chronicles of Sudbury.

This is how we felt