Chapter 4

 We wanted to spend as much time away from the house as possible, so we decided to walk down to the beach.  Bwass, being Episcopalian, has never even seen the ocean, nor does his church accept the existence of said ocean.  So needless to say, when we finally climbed the dunes and the sweat salty air came into our lungs and the coastline came into view, Bwass had quite the episode. 

“No! It can’t be! They told us the ocean was devil talk! I WAS LIED TO! NOOO! DAMN YOU. I WILL SERVE SATAN NOW! I PLEDGE MY ALLIEGENCE, OH DARK MASTER!!!”

I did not include what else Bwass said because my family lawyer said that his statements could be construed as threats to the president, pope, Neil Armstrong, Ted Nuget, and everyone in the film ‘The Bridges of Madison County’. 

Nick, Tahj, and I walked along the beach as Bwass jumped into the rising tide screaming “It’s real! It’s real!”.  Suddenly, something caught my eyes.  Boobs. Gargantuan Boobs.  Almost freakishly large boobs.  I mean, if I were drowning, I would grab onto this girl’s boobies and ride the tide in my friends.

“Hold on, guys….. I gotta sit down for a minute”, I said uneasily.

“Why?”

I pointed out Balloon One and Balloon Two to Nick and Tahj.  They quickly sat down as well.  While waiting for my raging erection to dispearse, I noticed a small worn piece of parchment sticking out of the ground.  I pulled it free of the sand and read with facisnation.

“A treasure map!”

“No, that’s a menu for ‘The Thirsty Manhole.”

“Well I’m fucking hungry, so let’s get some food”

Despite my brilliant arguments for dining at The Thirsty Manhole, it was voted down 3 to 1. So we went to a charmingly disgusting local spot called Pete’s Eats.

We ordered our food with immense anticipation, like a giddy children before Christmas, or a pedophile before a little league game.  I excused myself, giving the reason of having to drop a shit. But really, I just wanted to get away from the stink of a wet Bwass.  As I entered the bathroom, a stumbly drunk took to the stall next to mine.

“On vacation?”

I replied that I was

“Well let me offer you some advice.  If a girl ever catches you fondling her breasts while she’s asleep, a good response is not ‘I thought you were dead’.  Trust me.”

I quickly put the boys away, zipped my fly, and returned to the table.  Bwass had apparently been thinking hard while I was peeing because he had a brilliant idea.

“Let’s go to the mall!”

We voted, and again my idea to go The Thirsty Manhole was shot down.

“Fine you fucks, let’s go to the damn mall.”

Below: Bwass' new master: Satan, herself.