How to be Funny

A lot of you have asked me “Tyler, how do you do it?”, “Tyler,  what makes you so funny”, “Tyler why aren’t you wearing pants?”.  Tonight, in this very article, I will share secrets of the comedy trade.  But I will not be alone in this quest to bring all of you the power to wow others with jokes only Ruth Buzzie could deliver.  Nay, my sweet bunkmates, I have devised a council of what can only be called The Funniest Men in the Room, or as the judicial courts of Mass call us,  those guys who rubbed their penises on the state building.  Joining me tonight will be Timothy Dingman, Nick Roopenian, and…that’s it.  Hey, it’s a cheaply made site.  The first part of this article will be the panel discussion below, the second part will be something I wrote for the forum which was turned away being called ‘extremely offensive’, ‘downright racist’, and ‘pro-terrorism’.

Alrighty, let’s get down to the sweet comedy making.  I have here stock questions emailed to me by young people eager to understand the sex rhino that is comedy.

First Question:  What is the funniest word in the English language?

TT: Poop.

NR: Poop.

TD: I’m gunna have to go with Poop.

Second Question:  How do you come up with your ideas?

TT:  I usually take mind bending drugs then watch Miss Congeniality 2.

NR: I read Betty and Veronica comics and steal those jokes.

TD: I’m gunna have to go with Poop, again.

Third Question: What is a killer joke to use on a date, or mayhaps a social situation, involving the lady types?

TT: When the apple of your eye walks up to the circle gathering you have around you, say “Did it suddenly get morbidly obese in here?”.  Everyone will laugh.  Except her.  She might cry.

NR:  That’s a good one, but I like to put a different spin on that joke.  When the Little Miss comes up you simply ask “Why does it smell like a dead whore carcass in here.”  Look at her and then mutter “Never mind.”

TD:  I’m more into slapstick, so when you drop her off at her house after the date say “You are quite pretty, for a she-cock.”  When she asks what a ‘she-cock’ is, tell her it’s a tranny, transsexual, a he-she, a she-he.  After she explains she is not a transsexual, laugh in her half-man face and say “Oh come on!”  Go on and list all her masculine qualities, i.e.  arm hair, Adam’s apple, broad shouldered bone structure, deep voice, facial hair, flatulence.

Fourth Question:  What inspired you to become the ‘class clown’?

TT:  I think of it this way: The more I talk, the less others can spew shit from their mouths during class.

NR:  The first time I saw Janis Joplin in concert.

TD:  When I realized if I abuse other people out loud instead of in my mind, it could possibly, hopefully hurt them emotionally.  For example when I say “That was one good dissection of James Joyce [name withheld].”, I imagine that person cutting themselves to my smart aleck comment.

Fifth and Final Question:  If you could be anyone in the world for one day, who would you be?

TT: This really has nothing to do with comedy, but we gotta fill space anyway, so…I would be J.K Rowling and show my English boobies on some TV interview.

NR: I would Tyler’s sister and then I would-

TT: Stop, stop right there.

TD: I would be Betty Crocker and then I would finally get to have sex with Abe Lincoln.

TT: That is grossly disturbing and not even close to logical.  That’s all the patience I have for this crap.  I hope you, the rapt reader, have learned how to be funny.  If not, I have an article below that may help you.

How to be Funny

By Tyler Tsugita.

Maybe you think I am funny, maybe you think I am an asshole.  Either way, you’re right.  But I am funny, and damnit, I know funny.  I breathe funny, I even leave funny stains in my undies.  There are no tricks to being humorous.  Being a comic genius cannot be taught.  It’s a natural thing, like being born an entrepreneur, a athlete, French.  You cannot be taught how to be these things.  But you can be taught how to be less sucky at them.  You can take a business class.  You can train and lift weights.  You can not shave your arm pits and be snotty jerks to Americans.  I will teach you how to be less not funny.  Maybe next time you drop that classic joke at a party, it won’t be followed by an awkward silence.  Probably not, but maybe.

First off, a joke, a memorized script, is not funny. Ever.  A rant can be funny, an observation can be funny.  Stand up is hard.  It is a blend of jokes and rants in a coherent observant thingy.  So try and just make humorous reacting comments to the actions and conversations around you.

Words themselves are not funny.  The right emphasis or string of words together make comic gold.  For example.  ‘Scepter’ and “Jesus’ are not funny.  However, ‘Jesus’ Scepter’ is hilarious.  Try and also use less known terms for commonplace slang.  Instead of handjob, say tug job.  Instead of eating vagina, say munching rug.  Another way to make your lameness less apparent is to add variations onto boring words.  Boner itself is only funny in a juvenile way.  Bonertron 5000 is money.

Never go for the obvious joke.  Some obvious jokes being ‘that’s what she said’ or ‘that’s what yo’ momma said’.  Those jokes may come first into your slow, reptilian brain, but those jokes are not funny.  Even if you are saying those jokes as a joke, it’s not funny.  So stop.

Racism is funny.

Sexism isn’t really funny anymore.  I feel like that has been played out.  Run its’ course you could say.  All those “should-be-in-the-kitchen” comments and rants, they have killed it. 

Look, you’re screwed.  You are not funny.  If you are a female, then you are doubly not funny, because I have meet maybe 3 women who make me laugh out of thousands.  Girls are not funny.  If you are rich, you are not funny.  If you like golf, you are not funny.

Below: J.K Rowling