Why Music Sucks, and How It is Your Fault

           Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, Nickelback-their cool. No, no. Not on your fucking life.  The music industry is shoveling you smoked anus for dinner, and your chowing down.  First off, let me say, contrary to popular belief, there was no golden age of music.  The 60’s had gay hippie shit, the 70’s had disco, the 80’s had the 80’s, the 90’s had boy bands, and now we have emo, goth rock, rap with pretty much 2 lines of lyrics repeated 52 times, James fucking Blunt, and Beck.  Again, there has never been a golden age of music, only degrees of shit.  But let me tell you, right now, we are in a Tubgirl style pile of turds my friend.

But if these bands suck, why are they popular?

            Good question, Herbert.  These bands are the lowest common denominators.  They can attract the widest variety of demographics.  Finally Emo, Goth, Metro-Sexuals, Losers, and guys who gee whiz, wish they had the nerve to sing “Where is Your Boy Tonight?” to that special girl who doesn’t even know who they are, can unite under one sad, lonely banner.   Since these bands can draw a large number of people, they get heavy radio and rotation from MTV2.  Once record companies discovered this little horror, that is exactly when we all had the pleasure of listening to ‘Photographs’ about 300 times a day on the radio.  These little ditties attack your ears, like an ear fetishist on jail leave.

Tyler, you said I was apart of the problem, but all you’ve done is proven new music is popular. Wtf, man!

             I am coming to my points, Sally.  First off, these bands are popular, they just suck; they are what can be listened to by the most people without said people killing themselves.  Imagine a bill in the Senate that says Seal Clubbing is bad and should be illegal, but has their own opinion on what the bill should say.  Since there are so many senators, it takes forever for them to agree and the final product is wishy washy and poorly worded.  That is how popular music works.  Lowest common denominators are never fucking good.  But hey, if you think this is good lyrical writing:

Dance, Dance

We're falling apart to half time.

Dance, Dance

And these are the lives you'd love to lead.

Dance

This is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me.

Then, well, kill yourself.

            So, how are you apart of the problem?  You give the record companies the power to do this to us.  Being 16-18, you collectively (that means all the 16-18 year olds as a group, big guy) have a spending power of 700 million dollars a year. Imagine the Record Companies as horny Lacrosse Players, and imagine that money as Two Girls.  The result is Duke Lacrosse ’06.  You are letting them rape you, and you love it.  Watching MTV, listening to Kiss108, buying the records, downloading the singles off Itunes, all fuels the diarrehea factory that is the music industry.

I have been a fool! Tell me, how do I save myself, and the world from 47 more songs like “You're Beautiful”?

           Do not watch MTV, do not listen to Kiss108, do not buy the singles or the records.  If you really need it that badly, then steal that single off LimeWire.  Doing this will force record companies to reconsider what music they put out and will result in higher quality music.  How do I know this will work? Glad you asked, Chubs.  Remember Napster? The good, free not brokeback Napster?  Well when the record companies no longer had us by the balls and we could all download as many copies of “The Pina Coloda Song” as our little hearts desired without paying anyone, things changed.  Independent record companies increased in size and numbers, which begot new music much wider spectrum.  Instead of what the major labels pumped out, there was more choice.  And by god, it got a little less poopy out there.  In closing, stop buying shit music, stop watching it, stop listening to it on ye olde radio.  And if one of your friends is walking next to you down the street this fine summer and starts humming ‘You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place…” club them like a baby seal

-TCT

Below: Seal Clubbing